While I was actually walking I realize that, theres a scar on my left hand. It looks like 4 hours old. And I asked myself. When did I get hurt ? What did I do until my hands bleed ? I didn't remember doing anything that could harm me. Well at that moment, i realize that. Sometimes or maybe some stuff do hurts you, some are deep, some are just a scratch. And until one moment, you won't feel the pain anymore, cause you are immune to it, you've been through worst. its nothing compared to all the other pain. And that is when you will not feel the pain anymore.
So today, besides the scratch on my hand, there were also a scratch in the heart. but yeah. just a scratch. i think. dats wat i believe. A SCRATCH.
this week has been hectic, trying to make things all better for everyone and of course for myself too. but its not working, so next week i'll try sticking up with my timetable. like it or not, i think that timetable can actually help me to occupy my time wisely.
Its been a week already since class started. Well, to be honest. I think everything went well. YES. I am scared for a few subjects, but still anyhow I'll need to go through it jugak kann ? So what the heck.
I am just going through life like how i always do. go to class, go back home, sleep, lepak, gossip. all those stuff. (: Maybe sometimes i do feel lonely. but this is my life now. i have to occupy my time wisely with useful stuff. For now, i just want to spend my time to perfection. To work hard and be perfect, yes its impossible it will never happen. but you can be close to perfect if you try so damn hard to be perfect. I want to be a perfect daughter, a perfect student, a perfect slave, a perfect sister, a perfect friend, a perfect human being, i just want to be perfect, or maybe CLOSE TO PERFECT. Thats the only aim i have now, to make myself better in every way in everything. and this time around, love comes second, or maybe numberless. cause i don't mind if its there or its not. if it comes to me i'll consider it, but if it doesn't, then WHATEVER. hee (: I don't want to get myself hurt again, i don't want to risk myself to anything anymore. :DD
So, some say i am being ridiculous. some say i am just fooling around. well i say. I AM JUST GOING WITH THE FLOW. its what i want the most. to be close or almost perfect. and thats just it.
I was reading my old blog. I seriously miss it, and the few last post in it was post so that a particular someone would read it. but, i deleted it. JUST NOW. JUST A FEW SECONDS AGO.
I have no idea why. maybe I am really done with this ? At the end of the day, i think all the things I've said and done is not worth it. All this things I am trying to do or archive is not worth it. cause that particular someone is NOT.
Probably, I am starting to accept reality as it is. Cause I am not expecting anything anymore.
Maybe I am ready to let go of this issue for real. I don't feel the need to trash talk anymore. HAHA. Okay, its a lie. I still need to do that at times.
This is great news right ? but theres something that is not right.
I DONT KNOW IF I AM REALLY REALLY READY TO BE ON MY OWN IN SHAH ALAM
will i be able to have a normal day ? am I ready to face this alone ?
I couldn't stop time, I can only pray for the best. and that is just it.
but, i'll be strong for myself. (: like HULK STRONG. hee :DD