Disaster.

Since the day you went away, little by little, stuff that reminds me of you went away too.

Like my old room that you help me paint.

I've moved.

Like the only food that you introduce to me.

I had food poisoning eating it and now I can't even think about it.

Like the Iphone 3 we used.

I am now using 4.

Like the acer laptop is using your name as the password.

I am now loving my new Mac.

Like the card I used to use to pay for expensive food when we go out with my brother.

I now use a better card.

Anyway, it is too many to list down.

but the point here is.

Whatever reminds me of you is now gone. Most of the things just got better. And I am so grateful that from that point my life is changing and I was blessed with so many happy and awesome stuff which I could never ever imagine. It might not be the best, but it is better than what I had before. Everything you gave me turns to be a disaster, even you are a disaster yourself.

And theres only one thing that is still with me, my car.

Which is now in the workshop and has a lot of problem.

The last thing that reminds me of you.

With a new year coming. I really hope by the end of this 2011, there will be nothing that could remind me of you.

You are just a one night nightmare to me, and God has open up my eyes to see reality. And for now, Reality seems to be way way better.

I hope with 2011, everything will be better and awesome !!

Yayyyy me,

EffieB.

2011 is coming.

I am not going to celebrate this new year. But I am looking forward the fun activities in 2011.

Currently one of my dreams is to go see F1 Race. Funny ? YES, I know. But I want to try everything at least once, see everything at least once, go everywhere at least once.

So. theres an F1 Race in April !

BUTTT.

There's also a Disney On Ice !

OKAAAYYYY. So effa like. Hmmmm. Since it is going to be once in a lifetime experience, I want to be at the good seats. You knowww ! But both tickets are expensive, I may have to choose only one. :( Sad right ?

And right now I am still thinking. Race ? OR Disney ?

-.-

I hope I'll make a wise decision.

Still confused,

EffieB.

Bored to death

I only have one thing to emphasize on right now !

ANOTHER 4 DAYS TO GO, THEN I AM DONE WITH MY PRACTICAL ! HOOO YEAAAHHH !

:D

3 days to go.

My results will be out in 3 days.

I am scared.

I am super scared.

I am freaking out.

I hope everything will be fine.

:(

My holiday promises results.

I promise to do a few things this holidays, but it seems so impossible to do anything.

1. I can't plan for 2011 cause I don't know whether I am going to pass all the subjects or not, its devastating to think about it. or maybe ridiculous. I don't know. but I am awfully scared right now.

2. Some plans have to be cancel due to some technical problem and maybe because of human error too.

3. I've been to busy doing stuff. Like my practical. I never thought it would be so freaking hard. but it is actually. It is very very very hard indeed. And I don't even have time for myself or my friend anymore. And I get all cranky after work. lol.

4. My defense mechanism is now dominating my whole life. I don't feel like interacting with people. So I actually hate facebook except for the games. Haha. So I login to play game then I logout. And I hate to pick up calls, except if i think it is urgent. I hate to reply text unless I know I need to reply it. I don't give a damn anymore about my phone. On or Off. It is just the same. So if some people can't reach me thru my phone. Call anybody else you know. (: Sorry.

However, I am always trying to do things that I've planned tho. (:

xx

Its Over.

Well. tomorrow is the day, its officially over. I mean the end, there will be a FULLSTOP. Not that theres none before. But this is the final one. It really is the end, and whatever happens tomorrow is just it. No turning back, and nothing will change after that. You'll be you and I'll be me.

Yes, I was thinking about you the whole week, not just for the whole day. But I've given up long before this, when you said its over. I gave up on you and us, not that tomorrow would mean anything to me. I feel the same about you. And never will I let my guards down just because tomorrow happen. I might not be progressing but I ain't falling either right ? So I am fine with what I am now.

I was not taught by mama & ayah to hate or to judge people as what they seems, everyone deserves a second chance. And I don't hate for things that are happening right now, I am glad it happens and I hope I'll have a better life. And you'll live a happy life, you know like those in fairytales and stuff.

So.

Congratulations and Selamat Pengantin Baru.

Sincerely,

EffieBerry.

Every ending is a new beginning.

Promises are made to be kept.

I've promise so many things in this blog.

Like to tell everything that happen to me

Posting pictures of my new house

Etc Etc Etc

But. I HAVEN'T DONE ANY

I don't have enough time to do anything.

Not even for myself.

Or for my family.

Maybe after finals, before I start my practical.

One day. I want to be someone who kept their promises.

So I WILL.

:)

xx.

EffieB.

Followers. Funny story.

I always wonder, how do people have all this followers, some have thousands and some have hundreds and some have countable numbers of followers. Then it occurs to me, maybe i have less followers because my blog is not exciting enough for people to read since it is mostly about my emotion issues and boyfriend issues, you know all those common stuff. but mostly my blog is about me. HAHA.

Then when my sister starts blogging I wonder how many followers will she have ? And up to now, she has 7, and she had only posted like 3 things. And my ex boyfriend he has probably around 11 or so, but he only wrote all this funny stuff about computers and I don't know some weird stuff. Haha. So I wonder, why so little ? Maybe I should do something more. Hmmm.

But.

Going back to why I have a blog, it is not to tell the whole world about my life, about what I went through or where I went. It is just a place for me to vent my emotions, things that sometimes I could not say it to people directly, or something that is so small but i just feel like writing. I like writing. a lot. especially when I have all this emotions inside me, writing is one of the way I let it out, instead of telling it to people, or sharing it with someone else. And that is why sometimes my post is vague or confusing or has all this stupid mistakes, cause when I wrote it, I am not stable. Haha. So I don't mind having 4 followers because I don't want people to read it anyway. I just need this blog so that I can share all those sorrow and happiness with myself. And this blog is the one thing that remind me of things that had happen through out this years, what I've been through. It is the place that I keep track of my mistakes and the corrections I've made, and also my progress.

Plus.

When I write stuff here, I know people will read it, my followers or some strange people who came upon it by accident. Haha. So I only write stuff here that can vent like three quarter of what I have inside me, because I know people will be reading this. but if I write it on a piece of paper, I'll write everything, and that piece of paper is not safe. someone might read it if they found it or whatever that can happen to that paper right.

Basically this is why I have a blog. To write stuff. Anything.

EffieB.

Failure.

Failure. Theres so many things you can fail on.

Academic

Life

Love

Career

Raising Up A Kid

Friendship

Job

But, I never thought that one day I would failed in love. I failed to open up my heart back. Even to the people who actually deserve a chance. I never thought someday, I'll be worried about my love life, sometimes I am worried about it, the word what if, is always there at the corner of my mind. but what if is only for losers. I can't keep holding on to what if. Maybe because I've never been so alone for this long, I don't go out much with guys, I don't go fool around this time. I let go of everyone, every single guy that ever came, or maybe I didn't let go, I just pushed them out. What is wrong with me ? If I say they are not good enough for me, I am lying, cause they are waayyy wayyy better than I am. Maybe I'm scared, cause I didn't know what went wrong the last time. And things can happen again if I do the same mistakes over and over again. Theres no point of trying cause if in the end you'll end up losing. Righhttt ?

Lets just forget about failure, and love for now. I have better things to worry about ! MY FREAKING FUTURE ! Exam sucks.

Stuff

If he is stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go.

Say no more.

I don't know why I upload this picture, but I just feel like doing it. HAHAHA.

My holiday wish-list.

This is my wish-list for the holiday.

GET READY FOR 2011

VISIT INDIA

REGISTER FOR ORGAN DONATION

DONATE BLOOD

HELP IN RAISING AWARENESS ON BREAST CANCER !

when you know things will never be the same again.

Hi. My name is Effa.

See I am green, big, scary and obviously I have more than 6 pax (: * guys envy me a lot *

I used to be a fat and plump girl.

but

In this modern era, you can't be fat and plump to go through life, so I decided to change and be the new me.

Love it or hate it. This is the new me.

Ohh, don't be scared to say hi. cause I won't bite.

Love.

EffieBerryHulk

Kuat

Effa. Jadi kuat.

Keep yourself together.

You've been through almost 6 months on your own. You can do it!

You've did it once, and you can do it again.

Tadaaa

Today, I realize one thing !

I really really like you. and I really think that you are worth it.

AND

I actually think that you are worth my time and I would do anything to have you.

OMG!

You are awesome.

And I am bending my rules for you ! What have you done to me ? You see how worth it you are ! OMG. OMG. OMG.

xx,

EffieB.

Lupa

Its funny when you feel left behind, or forgotten by people whom you always remember.

Maybe its not funny actually, its sad.

But yeah, it happens. To everyone even the "winners" and of course for "losers" too.

I guess I'll have to cope with it right ?

Anyhow, right now I'm trying not to depend on people much.

One day, I'll have to go through stuff alone right ?

or maybe someday I might have to go through stuff alone.

But for now, I am still glad theres people who still cares and remembers me.

And people who didn't change even after they have a boyfriend.

Thank you so much guys.

life left me hanging

Hmmm.

At one point, life left me with two choices.

1. To tell someone with a girlfriend, that I like him.

2. To tell someone who doesn't have a girlfriend, that I love him.

Yes, two different choices, with two different emotions. And I thought life was suppose to be complicated but not hard.

So, after a few days of thinking, I would like to ignore both options. AND now I wish that I have one of those fairy godmother like Timmy's to make my wish come true.

Well, I wish that things will be the same again ! like how it use to be, before I get involve with this two someone. HAHA.

But. unfortunately, life is not that easy. So right now, i am choosing what to think about and what not. So that I won't be a slave to my thought. HAHA.

Okay. I'm rambling.

Goodbye !

Part 4, 2010 BLS

This semester is hell. Every semester, things are getting harder. of course it would right ? but the thing is. I don't think I could even have my own time this semester. I rarely go out and watch movies anymore. Most of the time I am in front of my laptop doing assignments emailing presentation and essays to people. Gosh, I really wish that I could spend some time alone, go bake, or read novels or donate blood. okay, sounds weird. but yes I had fun doing it. Theres so many things in my to do list, that I haven't got time to do.

Anyway. today would be one of the day that I might look back and say. I'm glad I did it. you know why ? Cause I realize that he is happy, and one part of me is glad that he is happy. FINALLY. I am accepting reality as what it is. and able to smile on it. Even tho this week had been really tough for me. Being naive and lie-able is not cool, but when people lie to me indirectly * they didn't really lie but they keep the truth from me * yes to tell you the truth, it hurts. and i can hardly breath when i realize that. but most importantly, i have to always remember, they did it for a reason. because they care too much about me, and they don't want me to be far from them. but at the same time, they don't know what they want in life. Neither do i. But if life makes me choose, i know who and what i want. but pity them, they don't. I'm glad that I am not so-attached to these people who conceal the truth, because if not I know, I'll be devastated again. And just fyi, I am not mad at these people, they make me realize something, that they are not worth it. And I am really really glad that HE showed me this before its too late. (: Alhamdulillah.

Someday. Somewhere. I know and I believe that the sun will come and brighten my life. and all this things that are currently happening to me will finally make sense at that time. (: Insya-Allah.

Love.

EffieB.

This Is what I hope for.

I'm not broken at all after what I saw just now,

because.

I promise myself that in any way, I will not hurt him.

Not even a little, and I am fine if he hurts me.

Cause I deserve it.

I deserve to be hurt.

And I am fine with it.

Thank You.

&

I'm okay.

it is as simple as this

I JUST DON'T WANT TO GET HURT AGAIN, OR AT LEAST I AM TRYING NOT TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH HELL AGAIN.

Maybe I should put this feeling aside.

So I believe,

KALAU ADA JODOH TAK KEMANA.

I'll just let it be. I just don't want to get hurt again.

busy

I've been really busy lately, and I didn't have the chance to update my blog. Next week will be hectic or even the worst week ever ! so many important things to do. I WISH I'LL HAVE 27 HOURS IN A DAY NEXT WEEK ! If only I found the Aladdin lamp back in Istanbul. *sigh*

So many things are happening right now. But i promise i'll spill everything once all my works are done !

love this

I quote this from a friend of mine

" when you truly start loving yourself, suddenly anything less than the best doesn't look so good. " - Adlina

Its just so freaking true. SERIOUSLY.

Ages.

It feels like ages since the last time I wrote.

So for now, I just feel like updating people with some random facts ;

1. I have a picture of a car as my desktop wallpaper.

2. Instead of wondering about what a guy is doing, i prefer to wonder about, how my assignments are doing ?

3. I only go out with a guy when theres a girlfriend too. (: *fornow* HAHA

4. I feel like buying a whole bunch of lomo cameras. which I don't even know how to use.

5. I am super duper excited for raya and istanbul. :DD

6. I prefer to bury my love for you and let it rest in peace, rather than going after the guy i love for almost one year already. :P

7. Everything seems so complicated right now. including my studies. Grrr.

8. Hanging on and doing a great job.

9. Saving money for future use is an impossible thing to do for me, but i am doing it.

10. If you tell me its impossible, i'll tell you. ' Be Me. And you know that nothing is impossible'

Hugs.

EffieB.

Disappointment

today.

I am disappointed with myself and someone else.

but what bother me is the fact that

HE IS IN MY HEAD.

and i am so freaking stress.

i need someone to just make me laugh or to whine RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT.

i have my moot coming up in just a few days, which I havent prepare anything.

i have my poem presentation which is not much, but i still have to give my best.

i got to go through a few things that i'd never been able to do so since forever, but now i am trying so hard to do so.

i want to do so many things but i get tired so fast.

everyday, i feel like i'd live life to the fullest but end up waking up with more and more burden.

i dont know what i need. more time ? more energy ? moreeeeeeeee ? i seriously don't know

so i am disappointed with myself, for procrastinating, for being lazy all the time, for doing something that is less important everyday. and for MESSING UP WITH MY OWN PRIORITY LIST.

YES. I AM A TOTAL MESSED UP RIGHT NOW.

I AM IN HELL.

I just want this to end so fast.

X'(

Say HELLO to my new NEST !

I AM SO HAPPY TO TELL EVERYONE THAT

I AM MOVING TO A NEW HOUSE.

Tee Hee

I will surely post a few pictures of it. (:

Scars

Today I realize something.

Sometimes you can get immune, with hurt.

Physically and mentally.

While I was actually walking I realize that, theres a scar on my left hand. It looks like 4 hours old. And I asked myself. When did I get hurt ? What did I do until my hands bleed ? I didn't remember doing anything that could harm me. Well at that moment, i realize that. Sometimes or maybe some stuff do hurts you, some are deep, some are just a scratch. And until one moment, you won't feel the pain anymore, cause you are immune to it, you've been through worst. its nothing compared to all the other pain. And that is when you will not feel the pain anymore.

So today, besides the scratch on my hand, there were also a scratch in the heart. but yeah. just a scratch. i think. dats wat i believe. A SCRATCH.

this week has been hectic, trying to make things all better for everyone and of course for myself too. but its not working, so next week i'll try sticking up with my timetable. like it or not, i think that timetable can actually help me to occupy my time wisely.

Thats all for now,

Love.

effieb.

Dah Lama Tak Update Blog

Hari ni, semalam, hari tu. semua nya tak best. NAK BALIK IPOH. tu je yang best. Hee.

Banyak benda jadi. yang baik yang buruk. yang sedih yang gembira, yang senang, yang susah. semua lahh. tapi banyak sedih dari gembira. banyak susah dari senang. Kenapa ?

Kann best kalau kita sedih dengan boyfriend kita ckp dengan kawan kita, kalau kita sedih dengan kawan ? KITA DAH TAK BOLEH CAKAP DENGAN BOYFRIEND KITA, sebab takde boyfriend dahhh. :(

So dah takde option lain. SOONER OR LATER. kene belajar untuk stick up for myself, and jangan biar orang lain buli kita. bukan lahh buli, cuma jadi considerate sikit je. tu je. kalau boleh la.

Okay. susah kan sebenarnya hidup ni, kita kena buat pilihan. kadang-kadang kita buat salah, tapi tu yang membesarkan kita. the sooner we fail, the sooner we get back up and learn. betul takk ?

Semua orang yang saya sayang buat hal. hmmm. jadi, sekarang dah tatau nak buat apa. ada je. ye lahh. yang kita sayang tak semestinya sayang kita balik kann ? so mcm tu lah al cerita nya.

kesimpulan ? tiada kesimpulan. its just me and my life misery.

Back to class again

Its been a week already since class started. Well, to be honest. I think everything went well. YES. I am scared for a few subjects, but still anyhow I'll need to go through it jugak kann ? So what the heck.

I am just going through life like how i always do. go to class, go back home, sleep, lepak, gossip. all those stuff. (: Maybe sometimes i do feel lonely. but this is my life now. i have to occupy my time wisely with useful stuff. For now, i just want to spend my time to perfection. To work hard and be perfect, yes its impossible it will never happen. but you can be close to perfect if you try so damn hard to be perfect. I want to be a perfect daughter, a perfect student, a perfect slave, a perfect sister, a perfect friend, a perfect human being, i just want to be perfect, or maybe CLOSE TO PERFECT. Thats the only aim i have now, to make myself better in every way in everything. and this time around, love comes second, or maybe numberless. cause i don't mind if its there or its not. if it comes to me i'll consider it, but if it doesn't, then WHATEVER. hee (: I don't want to get myself hurt again, i don't want to risk myself to anything anymore. :DD

So, some say i am being ridiculous. some say i am just fooling around. well i say. I AM JUST GOING WITH THE FLOW. its what i want the most. to be close or almost perfect. and thats just it.

Bad Dream

I was reading my old blog. I seriously miss it, and the few last post in it was post so that a particular someone would read it. but, i deleted it. JUST NOW. JUST A FEW SECONDS AGO.

I have no idea why. maybe I am really done with this ? At the end of the day, i think all the things I've said and done is not worth it. All this things I am trying to do or archive is not worth it. cause that particular someone is NOT.

Probably, I am starting to accept reality as it is. Cause I am not expecting anything anymore.

Maybe I am ready to let go of this issue for real. I don't feel the need to trash talk anymore. HAHA. Okay, its a lie. I still need to do that at times.

This is great news right ? but theres something that is not right.

I DONT KNOW IF I AM REALLY REALLY READY TO BE ON MY OWN IN SHAH ALAM

will i be able to have a normal day ? am I ready to face this alone ?

I couldn't stop time, I can only pray for the best. and that is just it.

THE BEST.

but, i'll be strong for myself. (: like HULK STRONG. hee :DD

love,

Effie.

Maybe. Just maybe. I Love You.

:(

I am sad and pathetic and awful.

My life is full of tears and sorrowness.

Not until, I saw your face, those charming face.

Liking or loving you or whatever it is that I am feeling right now, is far far far more impossible for us to be together than me loving lionel messi.

Even though I know, that you are just a few kms away from me, and theres always a huge possibility that I'll bumped into you someday. It just feels impossible to us. tooo impossible.

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST STICK TO LOVING OR LIKING OR WHATEVER IT IS I AM FEELING RIGHT NOW TO LIONEL MESSI. both of you didn't even know that i exist.

damn. love is hard.

You are not my type, but why do i fall for you.
You didnt even know i exist, but how could i feel this chemistry.
You didnt even talk to me, but why do i feel like I've known you for years.

We will always be far apart even though I know that we are so near.

I might need a miracle for this, but I don't know if I really need this miracle, or is this just another nightmare I need to go through with ?

P/S: I'll be adding a new label starting from this post. Its call Dreams. X(

i hate you

is it you ?

or maybe you ?

nope.

ITS YOU.

ergghh. seriously. i think i need to add another task to my 27 days.

27 DAYS WITHOUT YOU. NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

and i want to start now. tonight.

all the best to myself.

xxxx.

EFFIEB.

RANDOM

ohhh sooo random !

1. I think I fell in love with a stranger ! *darn*

2. I love talking to someone that i can now call bestfriend, AT LAST !

3. I like my schedule full, even if it is actually full with useless crap.

4. I am trying to set a standard in my life, very high indeed. OHH. I already did. My standard is easy. I only want the best.

5. I am working to have a new life, so everything is on the way from zero to hero, or from old to new. EXCEPT FOR MY CAR. So mama&ayah. I NEED A NEW CAR ! X(

6. I've list out so many things to do with my fav assess.

7. I need ASTRO in Subang !

8. My phone can stay still and keep quiet for 2 days more or less, how awesome kann ?

9. I just realize that i really actually did put my studies first before love. AHAHAHA.

10. And lastly, i'll jump back to my pink track ! so PINK for life.

Could you please pick up the pieces for me ?

Pieces of what ?

Pieces of my heart, that had shattered into million pieces.

X(

Sad. Yeah truly sad and pathetic.

Well it had been there on the ground for quite some time already, but everyday. I tried picking piece by piece. Glue it all back together. And lately . . . bla bla bla.

so instead of writing this piece of garbage i decided to write something else.

In order for me to get back on my feet. I tried so many things. and one of it is like fasting. but instead of holding back on food, you try to hold back on something else. maybe soft addiction ? from the moment my world come tumbling down.

I start to put in my mind or hold myself back from doing anything that could make me sad or unhappy or give negative effects to me.

One ;

NO CONTACT. THRU PHONE, TEXT, EMAIL, COMMENT IN FACEBOOK OR BLOG FOR 27 DAYS.

Two ;

NO STALKING HIS EMAIL, FACEBOOK, BLOG FOR 27 DAYS.

Three ;

NO THINKING ABOUT HIM EXCESSIVELY, THINKING WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN ! FOR 27 DAYS.

The first one, was a success. I did it. and until now, theres no urge to do so, for now. maybe there was, and i did. but the email didnt get through so. it doesnt count and that was after the 27 days.

The second one, is still fresh. This is the third day i think or maybe the fourth. but i am trying hard, very very hard not to stalk him anymore. hahahaha.

The third one, sounds impossible to me. but i really need to try anyhow. so the key word on the third task would be. BERSERAH. let it be. If i question who what where why how and everything, Im like questioning HIS power. Since things like this are all outside my control. So the key to success in this particular task is BERSERAH OR LET IT BE.

The thing is. some people just wonder why don't you just do it all at the same time? why do i need to take 27x3 = 81 days to at least crawl back on track ? Well the answer is easy. 20 % is because I don't want to do so, because i just love it when i feel all sad and gloomy and its like my fav thing to do. to cry an ocean of tears and blablabla. and the other 80 % is i know my limits, and how far I can push myself. And I need baby steps to do all this. I can't just do everything at the same time cause I spend 365x3 = I dont have a calculator to count how many days, that I woke up to the goodmorning and I slept by the goodnight with him. So if i say its easy to forget him. I am lying. CAUSE ITS NOT EASY. But I will never give up I'll not make a fool of myself cause I am better than that. and i will not let myself to waste, theres so many things i can do.

Actually I dont really have anything to say. But i need to stay awake. so i am actually writing something for me to post but my brain is not working right. Forgive me .

Goodbye.

FEMINISM

One thing everyone should know.

I'm a feminist.

If a man hurts a woman in anyway, physically or mentally.

MAN WILL ALWAYS BE THE BAD PERSON, ANYHOW. X)

It doesn't matter they will always be wrong until the woman became a bitch, if she is lesser than a bitch. I will still say that man is wrong.

Not even if a woman takes another woman's man for her own interest or something. She will never be as bad as the man who agree to actually respond to those flirty things and etc. BUT NEITHER will she gets a token of appreciation nor respect from me.

So as far as I am concern, a man will always be the bad one from my point of view, not until he really proves that he was right.

LIFE TRAINING

When everything important to me came tumbling down.

When the circumstances urged me to be independent.

I started to train myself to be one.

THE ONE

who can stand on her own feet

who can actually achieve anything on her own

who has everything she actually wants and need without the help of the so-called the other half

who can actually start doing all the thing she loved to do with him alone

But I don't wanna be a loner

or too independent

but still, I won't let my guards down anymore.

If you want me, take me as I am or just leave.

scared ?

WELL.

theres just things that I am so scared to go through.

to know that this is an absolute ending.

where you have no power to change what is going to happen.

and this changes are permanent.

YES.

there are two things that I am so scared about.

1. looking / knowing that he is getting engaged

2. looking / knowing that he is getting married

YEAH. TWO ABSOLUTE ENDING

of our tales.

It hurts to even look at the pictures of him and some other girl.

But everything is beyond my power.

Almost everyday I'll be staring at the same picture.

zoom in and zoom out

it used to give me heartache

to see him moving on with his life this fast.

BUT NOW.

I am just glad that those heartache is turning to something more POSITIVE

A calmer feeling, glad that he is finally settling down, i guess.

I hope at the end of the day.

I can actually tell the whole world from deep down in my heart that

I ACTUALLY FEEL HAPPY FOR HIM.

X)

Sorry

MAMA, I am sorry if i am a disappointment.

I know I am suppose to give you good news.

And make you feel happy and proud.

And I failed to do so.

Every little thing you ask me to do, I always let you down.

and i am so sorry for that.

I promise you ma, I'll do better next semester.

I'll try harder, and I won't let some jackass guy distract me.

and you have my words ma.

I promise to not let you down anymore.

still.

I feel so glad and happy. Even though it is not as good as the others, but at least i knew i did my best and i am so thankful to Allah All Mighty for the strength HE gave to me. and I think I went through a lot this time. and HE help me to go through all this, even after what I've done, all my wrongdoings. Alhamdulillah. (: But I know we can't settle for less, when you can get more, right ? So I will have to work hard next semester so that I can make my parents proud of me.

AYAH & MAMA. I am so sorry, I know I am such a disappointment but I'll keep on trying.

Glad

I am glad that i finally feel normal.

Like the ordinary days.

And I love this feeling, it feels like even anywhere I go, theres always someone wtih me (:

And I thank all this bitches here that make me feel so wonderful and help me to be back on track !

BUT.

the one thing that is not complete is

at the end of a very tiring day, it would be nice to know that somewhere on this earth theres one person that is waiting on the other line to just listen to what you've went through today and all the small things that happen in life just to share. (:

MAYBE.

I'll make it through all this feeling of incomplete. Maybe i should start writing in a diary, at least I could share with something what I did today and what I went through.

X)

P/S : To everyone, good luck for the results tomorrow. Hope everyone pass with flying colours, including me of course.

Adios.

wondering

Sometimes when people do bad stuff to us or when i am facing someone inconsiderate

I just wonder.

What do you feel when you do that ?

Whats in his/her head right now ?

What are they thinking ?

How could they even do that ?

What is wrong with this people ?

and the one question that I always ask myself is

HOW DID YOU EVEN HAVE THE GUTS TO HURT SOMEONE LIKE THAT ?

I understand that sometimes theres certain things that is beyond our control, but still. when things have to come to an end. those who left or is letting go. it won't hurt you to say you are sorry that things have to end. With just 3 words you can help to heal somebody. saying sorry won't kill you and your ego. I wonder why is it so hard for certain people to say sorry because you think you are better than those who you left or hurt ? or is it because you think that you are not doing something bad here and those people you left or hurt deserve to be treat that way ? Is that why ? Well I don't think anyone can answer my question except for those people who left and hurt people without saying sorry. Its the least you could do.

but then reality check.

Maybe I've done it before. Well of course I did, but I think I did say Im sorry. ANYHOW. For those I've hurt intentionally or not. I AM SOOOO SORRY, maybe theres just things that are not working out really well. But thinking of it. Everyone whom I left, is a friend of mine now because I hate ending things with someone badly. Everyone deserve to know and be treated right even after what they have done kann ?

I am so touched with what a friend of mine told me. No one can be perfect and everyone is different. and for that is why she is my best friend forever, because she'll be with me through thick and thin in life. Shes always there to comfort me, she might not be the best advisor, but she will always be an angel to me.

'

life isnt full of shit. life IS shit.

sumone said to me.. human, they cant be perfect.. not sure if it has sumthing to do wif wat u r saying but it might be useful at time.

hmmm.. act im not sure if im d right person to ask for advices. but i'll do anythg i cud becos u r my fren. the best indeed. babe, pleasing people's heart were never easy. its too complicated to understand. but it doesnt mean that u dont have a heart. . u do have. a good one. d one that got hurt but never hurt back. d heart dat gives too much without taking.. n u knw wat..? not evry person in this earh has a heart like urs. but i do know one person. :)
if he cant see that in u.. he is damn blind. too blind to see what he had done to u..

ur stories remind me of myself. i might be d blindest person on earth.. but still eventho we r humans, we arent d same..so that makes me diff from him. evry single human is special on their own way.. believe in urself. sumhow sumday sumone will see u so special that he cant even take his eyes off u.

and dats when u will love ur life. u will love everything. u will love it. n u will know that it is okay to be wrong.

"Follow your heart; even though it's on your left, it's always right ♥" :)' (Ainul,2010)

Choices

In life. Sometimes you have to choose. and mine. I've made mine.

I am saying GOODBYE.

to you.

Ive consider everything, and still this is the only thing I can do right now.

Senyumlah.

Senyumlah dikala gembira, kerana itulah sebaik-baik utusan yang menggambarkan ketenangan hati

Senyumlah dikala duka, kerana itulah yang menggambarkan kerelaan hati menempuh dugaan Allah

Kesabaran yang disertai iman kepada Allah akan membawa kemenangan.

Can't Wait ! X)

Raya Puasa destination : ISTANBUL, TURKEY !

One thing that can keep my mind healthy and happy. haha. Think about all the places and food that I can eat there, and how fun it would be.

Raya Haji destination : Probably Singapore, UNIVERSAL STUDIO X)

But not confirm yet, but still. I just hope it came true. Tee Hee.

Thank You Ayah & Mama. I love you truckloads.

Smile.

I am so use to faking a smile.

and NOW

Its like a part of me.

Forgive me for my fakeness, but I'll soon find a remedy for it.

(:

Brain

One of the things that I've been doing during the holidays is thinking.

Most of the parents would support their children to think, the more you think the better it is.

But me ? I think i need to stop thinking.

See, even to decide to stop thinking needs thinking.

Confusing right ?

But in my position right now, its just so hard for you to stop thinking.

Cause besides all those other things that is useless that I still think about, there's also a lot of useful things that I am thinking about.

So basically, i just need to think in my everyday life.

Think Think Think and Think.

But how do you actually differentiate between the positive things and the negative ones ?

I myself still haven't discover that part.

But when I do, I will surely share it :D

To Me :

Bad thoughts! shooooo go away ! Come again another day. X)

terror

Its hard enough for what I am going through.

But can i really go through another goodbye ?

In less than a month I have to go through 2 goodbyes ?

Maybe this is life.

I'll just have to work things out again with whatever is left for me now.

And make sure that I don't take things for granted anymore.

When life gives you lemon. You can either make a lemonade out of it or just put on a sour face.

AND.

I chose.

TO MAKE LEMONADE OUT OF IT !

X)

Good Morning Folks

I wake up today with a very bad idea.

To call someone I shouldn't.

I wake up and feel like its a need it is what I should do.

But

I know the girls will kick my arse so hard if they knew i did it.

And now, instead of going to the bathroom and taking a bath, I am sitting in front my laptop.

And guess what the heck am I doing ?

• I am actually googling his name and seeing it pop ups just satisfy myself

I know I shouldn't cause I'll get sad and I need to be happy to have a safe journey back to Ipoh

I need my strength. I need my family. I need HIM, The Almighty.

P/S : Girls, don't worry ! I call someone else instead, but he didn't pick up either. haha.

Adios.

Boys ! Please lahh.

PLEASE HAVE A BETTER PICK UP LINES.

GOSH.

YOU GUYS TOTALLY SUCK BIG TIME MAN.

Cheerleading Routines ?

Cheerleading ? HELL YEAH. but not for me. I can't stand on top of a pyramid and neither can i bend on my knees to provide support for them. haha.

Well. instead of feeling very exhausted and so tired in the afternoon and feel so lazy to wake up in the morning. I then decided to reschedule everything. shuffle my everyday routines.

So basically this is it.

Wake up for Subuh and then put my GLEE mode ON. X) Tee hee. and then cycle my way up to perfection and watch one movie, while online. The i can start taking my bath and go to work !

And for the night. after work, i can go back and pamper myself with anything. and go to sleep.

So when all the things i usually do at night but i change it and do it after subuh. I think theres more benefits to it. I can always wake up early and feeling so fresh and excited for the day. and at night I can get all my beauty sleep I need. :D

but yet .

TODAY IS A FAILURE ! haha. but its okay. theres always tomorrow.

and I wish myself all the best.

I Fear You, Kuala Lumpur.

the title is so funny right. but yeah its true.

I DO FEAR YOU KUALA LUMPUR.

with the tall skyscraper. and the pollution. and not forgetting the congestion !

oh my ! everything is excessive here.

sexual harassment everywhere. expensive food. rude drivers.

but one thing i fear the most in Kuala Lumpur.

Is the man working in a building just nearby KLCC.

I fear that I will meet him by accident. or just to see any figure that could actually be him

or who looked like him .

GOSH. How I fear that it would happen.

because I've tried my very best to stand back up once again after he tripped me down.

X(

but I'll always pray that in any way God will help me go through it.

Ya Allah, Janganlah kau tanamkan dalam diriku perasaan takut kepada ujian di dunia ini melebihi takutnya pada ujianMu di akhirat kelak. Amin.

AHAA ! glee much ?

tonight will be my first time watching glee !

and thanks girls for introducing me to it.

cause

NOW I'M ON FEVER !

Im a pussy.

Lets not talk about something dirty here. Alrightt ? HAHA

Yesterday, i was having so much fun reading magazines and all. and I found this quiz in CLEO May 2010. The quiz is about; HOW GUTSY ARE YOU ?

And yes ! I'm a wimp. hah. I stand aside like a wimpy wallflower ! X)

My score was brilliant ? So NOT ! here is some part of it :

" The fact is gal, if you don't ever do what you want or say what you mean, you'll end up bitter and full of regrets. Who wants their motto to be 'if only' ? "

I know, I know. Sometimes i am so used to feeding everyone else's happiness. HEHE. This quiz gave me a whole new thing to improve on. HAVE SOME GUTS ! :DD

Ohh, and here are some tips they left for me :

1. If you don't ask you don't get.

2. Don't say yes if you mean no.

3. Never let self-consciousness stop you doing something-people are more interested in their own lives than what you're getting up to.

4. If you act like a doormat, you'll get treated like one.

5. You're as good as anyone else so never let someone's superior attitude make you feel insecure.

6. Don't just talk about it, do it - whether it's bungee jumping or asking a boy for a date.

7. Stand up for your principles, even if you rock the boat.

8. Be tough enough to accept criticism and learn from it.

Its useful, especially FOR ME. tee hee.

Found It

I found this yesterday, and I think this can help us a lot in our daily life and for us to go through life (:

" Hardship, in reality, is when you finally realize the problems and not having the capacity or comprehension to train that heart to grow and love. It's when you finally find the key, the true and wholesome Islam, to help the heart, but push it to sacrifice the mere things and immediate comfort. Its when you forget yourself for the sake of others, and for the sake of seeking the face of Allah. And finally, when you get pass all of that, your heart and soul are free, along with the countless human soul. Your true brothers and sisters. That is yusr. "

I found it very inspiring. And I can't help but reading it for countless time.

*taken from iluvislam website.

this year destination

AUCKLAND ?

PARIS ?

DUBAI ?

TURKEY ?

The flight ticket is all sooo expensive since we missed the MATTA fair. :( And our last option is

PULAU SIPADAN

Fingers crossed for the best ! :DD